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a distorted reality is now a neccessity

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I AM having twins.
It's been a long day. Contractions and two ER visits. Everything is cool. The babies are fine.
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Cleaned the big room upstairs today. With Jed's help it only took an hour or so. Cleaned out the north-west bedroom and some of the bathroom. So all we have to finish is the bedroom, the office, and the rest of the bathroom. Then we can start building furniture and such.

Jed's grandma died today at 2:00 pm. We're all very upset. We'll be heading up north sometime in the near future for the funeral. I'm glad I got to meet her, love her, and help take care of her. I'm sorry I couldn't give her a great-grand baby in time.

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I'd love to write more about what's going on in my life, but it's very personal and I guess I'd rather just have it available to those who genuinely want to hear about me and my life, so if you comment I'll add you to the screened posts.
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has anyone heard from hatboxmoon lately? I haven't seen her update and I've been thinking of her.  Thanks.
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Intense day. Yesterday we took Jed's grandma to the ER, she was in a lot of pain. There is a tumor right on her hip that (we think) is putting enough pressure on her siatic nerve so that the leg is essentially dead, she can't move it at all, but it is intensely painful. At the ER they gave her two shots of Dilaudid, prescribed Lortab 5/500mg and 25 mg Fentynal patches. Those two meds didn't help. Today we couldn't move her down the stairs safely and had to call an ambulance. They moved her down with a fancy stair chair. She has since been admitted to the Duluth hospital where they are going to do an MRI, possibly radiation, and control her pain. We don't know if she will ever be home again. Jed's grandpa is not handling this well. He is yelling at everyone, taking on a very aggressive bully mentality and has taken to bullying everyone. Yesterday on the way to fill the narcotic prescriptions he lost them. He came back saying he looked everywhere and couldn't find them. He was mean to everyone as we tried to find them, and then they were in his fucking pocket. You do not loose your wife's pain scripts when she's in stage four cancer.

To deal with the stress Jed and I have taken to having a great amount of sex and we made a photo essay.
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Written about two days ago but not posted:

I'm up in Cloquet. Jed and I are staying with his grandparents for at least two weeks. His grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer this past summer, after an unsuccessful surgery and a round of chemotherapy it has spread to her brain, liver, skin, and the cancer in her lungs is still there. She had a mild heart attack last winter, and then for the final blow she had a stroke a month ago. She's not doing well - by her own estimates she's not planning to be around for her daughter's college graduation this May. Jed is extremely close with his grandparents, especially grandma, and he is having a hard time dealing with all this. So we are going to stay and help out around the house, clean, run errands and generally keep everything as happy, chill, and peaceful as possible. I've been at deaths before - as well as birth - and I have some idea of what could be helpful. Well I guess I have an idea about what is not helpful, so I at least know where not to go.

Christmas eve at Jed's parents was actually nice. His mom and I talked, I emphasized what an amazingly brilliant, compassionate, and loving son she has. She is a bit intense and demanding of him and she seemed pleased at what I had to say - though I wonder if it is because she thinks she's responsible for Jed's ethics, morality, and passionate loves in life and its because of how hard she railed on him.

Christmas morning we had breakfast with my mom, then we drove up here and had dinner with Jed's extended family. His extended family all seemed surprised that we were married, but they genuinely liked me - liked him and I together.

Today:

Made Challah and beef Stew for Shabbas. It snowed here so I shoveled the porch several times. Jed's grandma is in pain today, but none of her docs called back and now they will all be gone until Tuesday. You'd think oncologist are prepared for patients to call in pain, and that they have the means (and are capable) of addressing the pain in a timely manner, but once again the medical system gives us the finger.

Going to uncle paul's tomorrow, making spaghetti and meat balls for him. He is going to teach Jed how to shoot a gun, and I'm just hoping to hang out and get a bit of a break from caretaking. Jed's aunt is here to take over for a day.

Will be posting pictures tonight or tomorrow of the "Birth of Fred Bear" stay tuned, it's amazing.
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The people who were at our wedding.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

A picture of Jed, Jens, and I.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Jed and I looking very happy and relieved after the wedding.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

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Wedding was amazing, beautiful, perfect.

Since then. Mom has fallen and broken her arm. I find out within the hour if she needs surgery
Jeds grandma has added Skin and Brain tumors, to her list of lung, liver cancer, and hert problems. As well as a small stroke. The chemo isn't working, so they are adding radiation. 
Not pregnant, again.

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Our wedding vows:

 The great Jewish thinker Martin Buber writes in I and Thou that human beings may adopt two attitudes toward the world: I-Thou or I-It. I-Thou is a relation of subject-to-subject, while I-It is a relation of subject-to-object. In the I-Thou relationship, human beings are aware of each other as having a unity of being. In the I-Thou relationship, human beings do not perceive each other as consisting of specific, isolated qualities, but engage in a dialogue involving each other's whole being. All of us are here today to witness this couple's choosing to be in dialogue with their whole being.

Jed and Miranda asked you all to be here today because you are their community, their witnesses, their comrades in life. In front of you they make the following promises to each other and to all of you.

To be gentle and love each other
To be gentle and love themselves
To be gentle and love their children
To be gentle and love this earth
To be gentle and love the Divine
And to work to always treat the other as a Thou.

These promises can be considered fulfilled if after seven generations some shred of their intent and mystery remains within their progeny, their community, their world.

(Name), I take you to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife).
Before my community I vow to love you and care for you.
I take you, with all your faults and your strengths,
as I offer myself to you with my faults and my strengths.
I will help you when you need help,
and will turn to you when I need help.
I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.


What have I to give you, (name)?
The promise to take you as my love from this day forward,
to stand by your side, to listen when you speak,
to comfort you when you cry,
and to join your laughter with my own.
Take this ring, and become unique and holy to me as my (husband/wife)

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